Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.





Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.





Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

After reading about your dog and then these I am grinning ear to ear! I gotta forward these to a few friends! Great Stuff!

hahahhaha

'Hello, is this the Police Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.

'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came across a biker gang that was harassing a young lady at a 7-11.

I directed the gang to leave the young lady alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed! "When did this happen?"

"Just a few minutes ago..."




steadywoman: You appear to be a "threat to national security". (Along with: fat kids, Rush Limbaugh, and Fox News.)

steadywoman: You appear to be a "threat to national security". (Along with: fat kids, Rush Limbaugh, and Fox News.)

Guess I'd better add an LOL!!! to the above statement or it might be taken the wrong way!


amended post:

steadywoman: You appear to be a "threat to national security". (Along with: fat kids, Rush Limbaugh, and Fox News.) LOL!!!!

How about a few quotes

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
George Carlin


Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
Will Rogers

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers

The income
tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
Will Rogers

You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Will Rogers New York Times Aug. 31 1924

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Mark Twain

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Mark Twain

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
Mark Twain

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright


Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
Fran Lebowitz

I didn't really say everything I said.
Yogi Berra

It ain't over 'til it's over.
Yogi Berra

No one goes there nowadays, it's too crowded.
Yogi Berra

The future ain't what it used to be.
Yogi Berra

I wish I new the answer to that question, I’m tired of answering it.
Yogi Berra

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

Every man I have ever known has fallen in love with Gilda and awakened with me.
Rita Hayworth

I think all women have a certain elegance about them which is destroyed when they take off their clothes
Rita Hayworth

I dress for women, and undress for men.
Angie Dickinson

I'm trying to figure out, Chairman of what Board? People come up to me and seriously say: "Well, what are you Chairman of?" And I can't answer them.
Frank Sinatra

*DUH INSTRUCTIONS!*

In Honor of Stupid People . . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

----------------------------------------------------------

On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.

(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

----------------------------------------------------------

On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner!
No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

----------------------------------------------------------

On a bar of Dial soap --
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

----------------------------------------------------------

On some Swanson frozen dinners --
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

----------------------------------------------------------

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom) --
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

----------------------------------------------------------

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding --
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

----------------------------------------------------------

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

----------------------------------------------------------

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

----------------------------------------------------------

On Nytol Sleep Aid --
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)

----------------------------------------------------------

On most brands of Christmas lights --
"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to what?)

----------------------------------------------------------

On a Japanese food processor --
"Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

----------------------------------------------------------

On Sainsbury's peanuts --
"Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)

----------------------------------------------------------

On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: say what?)

----------------------------------------------------------

On a child's Superman costume --
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

----------------------------------------------------------

On a Swedish chainsaw --
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems.
He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us.
The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious.
One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ.

Finally, the last straw.

He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?

Signed, Lost in DC

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle.
You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!