A bus load of high school girls are comming back from a field trip when the bus goes off a cliff they all die. When they get to heaven St Peter is waiting for them. First Amy comes up to the gates. St Peter asks if she has any carnal sins she answers she touched a boys penis with her finger. St peter tells her to dip the finger into the holy water then she may enter heaven. then Beth comes up to St Peter he asks her the same question she answers that she had put her hand around her boyfriends penis once. So St Peter tells her to put her hand in the holy water and she may enter heaven. Then Susie comes running up from the back of the line. St Peter asks why she is cutting in line. She says please let me gargle before Jenny has to stick her but in.

TWO IRISH WOMEN IN A BAR
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't
help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Ireland .'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in
Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street
did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old
entral part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So
did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course..'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so
did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good
luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you
believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in
1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down,
and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his
head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, “The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

Damn! I liked that one.

Ditto

Fred and Flo visit the breeding bull exhibit at the fair. A sign over the first bull says that he had serviced 50 cows during the past year.

Flo: "Fred, do you see? That's nearly once a week."
Fred says nothing. The next exhibit features a bull purported to have serviced 100 cows during the year.

Flo: "O, Fred. That's nearly twice a week."
Fred remains silent. The next exhibit features a 150-cow champion.

Flo: "O my, o my, Fred! Don't you have anything to say?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Fred: "Same cow?"

OMG!!!! That one won't get ya any were at home Corny.

THREE CONTRACTORS

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Montana . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

sooooo true, good one B

On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber
you trust to protect yourself from a bear?

A great answer:


My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22
short. Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my
pocket. Of course we all know too the first rule when hiking in the
wilderness is to use the "Buddy System." For those of you who may be
unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone. You bring a friend or
companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is someone to
help.


I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta. Out
of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she mad. We must have been
near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure
not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was
able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.

damn that was good

Another Blong Joke
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'