lol, damn blondes.........

Another blonde Joke--I got them on an email.--I think she was a blonde, go figure.

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ...'

Let me throw some fuel on the fire:

A blonde woman walked into the hardware store and came upon a thermos and stood there dumbfounded. The clerk walked up and asked if he could help her, and she asked what this thing was. The clerk told her it was a thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Why how unique, she said as she purchased it.

When she went to work on Monday, she was just beeming to show off her new contraption to her co-worker, who was also a dumb blonde. He asked, what is that thing on your desk? She replied, it's a thermons. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Wow, he replied, I have never seen anything like that before. What you got in ther? She replied, a popcicle and a cup of coffee.

Nogas wrote:


I didn't see that one coming, good one!

> You are galloping along on your horse; to your right there is a sharp drop off, to your left is an elephant trotting at the same speed you are; You are being chased by a lion and in front of you is a kangaroo and you can not get around; What do you have to do to get out of this situation SAFELY?




> Get your drunken a$$ off the merry go round and act your friggen age for christ sake.

Here comes one where you can Substitute Bears, Lions or Vikings. A Good One.

Once upon a time long, long, ago there was a season when neither the
Packers nor the Bears made the post season playoffs. It seemed so
unusual, that the management of both teams got together and decided
that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams
because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice
fishing competition.


The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. So on
a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest. The first day
after 8 hours of fishing the Packers had caught 100 fish and the Bears
had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Packers had caught 200 fish and
the Bears 0. That evening the Bears coach got his team together and
said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place". So the next
morning he dressed one of his players in green and gold and sent him
over to the Packer camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came
back to report to the coach. The coach asked "Well, how about it, are
they cheating?" "They sure are," the player reported, "They're cutting
holes in the ice".

Bagpiper at a Funeral


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to pl ay at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing

So a guy calls a plumber over the weekend to fix his toilet...

The plumber fixes it, and says "That took 1 hour. That will be $300."

The guy says "But I'm a lawyer and I only charge $100/hour!"

And the plumber says "That's what I used to charge when I was a lawyer."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
stories... There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and
pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that
only Ernie was left.

'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in

Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a
survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and
then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She
shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the
last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you
was the moral to this horrible story?

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'
_

Hooker in Las Vegas

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,"How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!

Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own Those"and I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once..I'll give it a try.."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window,big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street?I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces & shows?"

"Damn" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."