A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had
His collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest,
said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The priest looked
up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear
his collar that way!' The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds',
and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, ''Maybe you
should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.

Tinman wrote:


Kids say the darn-est things, lol. Good one.......

Well, being Valentine's Day I thought about what to buy the DW. She's been going through...well ya know...change of life (and me to!!!).
So thinking that it would benefit us both I bought her a Mood Ring.
Well, when she's in a good mood the ring is green in color.
When she's in a bad mood, well the ring leaves a big RED mark on my forehead.
I'm thinking she doesn't appreciate the thought that went into this present.

Good one, Pete. I know the feeling, and empathise.

In fairness, tho', I should say that although my valentine is out of the country, she caught me off-guard this morning with a text message saying exactly where to find a little something that she hid for me earlier - tucked behind the headboard, a few inches from my head every night. Sneaky, but definitely a "green". Meanwhile, hang in there!

Q.YOU"RE RIDING A HORSE,,,BEING CHASED BY A LION, AND THERE IS AN ELEPHANT ON YOUR LEFT. WHAT DO YOU DO?....

A.GET OFF OF "THE MERRY GO ROUND"

Know your state's motto:

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts ,
Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids.

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky
Five Million People - Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's

Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent
You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee
The Edyoocashun State

Texas
Se Hablo Ingles

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont
Ay, Yep

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington
We have more rain than you do

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped
At a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
Left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
Miss them until they had been driving for
About forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they
Had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,
In order to return to the restaurant to
Retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband
Became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded
His wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her,
The more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

While you're in there, you might as well
Get my hat and the
Credit card.

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?'





The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife.

The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.

"Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday"!